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Now, I know 4/20 has come and gone, but it got me to thinking… First, let me start off by saying that I don’t have anything against people who smoke marijuana. I don’t have anything against the movement to legalize it in the United States, as I think in many ways its effects are a lot more safe than alcohol, or by and large, most other drugs out there… and yes, I might just be speaking from experience. I don’t hear of a lot of pot heads who go home and beat their wives while stoned, or end up in the ER from bar fights, or go around and burglarize homes for their weed-money. I don’t have anything against the act of rolling up a joint, packing up a bowl, wrapping a fat blunt, or taking bong rips till you can’t stand up straight. It’s all in good fun, and I used to do these things myself. I’ve participated in the conception, design, construction, and implementation of ridiculously over-complex and generally silly, but effective contraptions created to ingest massive quantities of cannabis smoke in pursuit of the next biggest way to get torched. I myself have sat in drum circles banging on a djembe drum like a rhythmic zombie until I couldn’t feel my hands anymore. Though looking back I can’t say that I’m entirely sure if it was the drum-beating or the weed that did that. Yes, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I bought the tye-dyed tee-shirt… when I was like 19.
The origin of the whole 4:20 phenomenon allegedly dates back to the early 70′s according to [Wikipedia,] when a group of teenagers calling themselves the “Waldos” (I’d tell you why, but it’s just too stupid,) were trying to find an elusive abandoned crop of mary jane plants, and designated 4:20 in the afternoon as their meeting time. They apparently never found the plants, and this stupid phrase has evolved into a term to reference the smoking of marijuana in general, as evidenced by the scrawlings on high-school backpacks and the stickers on the beat-up cars of teenagers everywhere. Steven Hager, creative director of High Times magazine, was apparently the first person to track down the “Waldos” and publish the origins of the phrase. He’s quoted as saying “I believe 4:20 is a ritualization of cannabis use that holds deep meaning for our subculture. It also points us in a direction for the responsible use of cannabis.”
Okay, this is where I start to have a problem. Great, you direct the creative process of a magazine, you’re gainfully employed. Great, you smoke the herb… but to claim something like smoking weed as “our subculture” is just laughable. Like there’s some underground society of adults who smoke weed that run around giving secret handshakes and passing joints when no one’s looking. Hell, maybe there actually is out in California or something, but I have a hard time seeing a whole bunch of middle-aged men and women putting pot leaf bumper stickers on their Lexus or SUV or minivan and wearing tee shirts like this complete douchebag:
You’re no more a fucking subculture or counter-culture than a bunch of overpaid fat fuck executives blowing uncut cocaine until their noses are bleeding and their septums fall out, or a bunch of sadly hopeless junkies waiting in a methadone clinic to get their fix so they won’t be sick in the morning. Go choke on a fucking soy latte in some dive cafe with your murder-inspiring hipster cousins you pretentious douchebag. Seriously, you’re a grown man, get your shit together. And how the fuck does using the phrase “4:20″ to identify yourself in your “subculture” point you in the direction of the responsible use of cannabis? That doesn’t even make sense! That’s like a bunch of hippies having a jam-band festival and saying they’re “changing the world.” (Yes, I’m stealing a South Park reference.) In all seriousness though, if you think like this, you’re a complete fucking retard.
This is to speak nothing of the unofficial 4/20 “holiday” celebrated by teenagers and hippies who never grew up around the world. If you’re a fully functioning pot head, you don’t need a holiday to express your love of marijuana, you just need a day that ends in “y.” All I can see in my mind’s eye when I think of this “holiday” is a bunch of sweaty, smelly dreadlocked dipshits sitting in a park passing around a blunt or playing hackey-sack or throwing a frisbee in patchwork pants with gawdy hemp jewelry with ridiculously oversized wooden beads hanging around their necks and wrists. Well guess what else happened on 4/20? Fucking genocidal maniac extraordinaire, Adolf Hitler was born, and in 1939 the entire country of Germany celebrated his birthday as a recognized, nation-wide holiday. In 1999, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris murdered 13 people and injured 24 others in the Columbine High School massacre and then blew their own heads off. I know this date well because I took shit for the rest of junior and senior year for wearing a trench coat, and was even slammed against a locker and threatened by a certain Nashua PD sergeant because I refused to take it off. But I certainly didn’t refer to myself as part of some subculture. And just last year, the Deepwater Horizon oil well blew to shit in the Gulf of Mexico, killing 11 people and starting a BP oil debacle that would last for at least five months, and the effects of which will be felt for years to come. And there’s a shit load more examples of massacres, wars, and skirmishes in history that happened on this peace and love, weed-smoking hippie holy day. Just look it up.
In closing, the whole 4/20 or 4:20 or Four-Twenty phenomenon is for high schoolers, college kids who don’t know what reality is yet, hippie lifers who never grew up, and generally a mass of fucking idiots. If you’re out of high school, through college, holding down a job, have a family of your own, or don’t have a medically relevant reason for smoking weed and you say “4:20″ to me, I’ll probably punch you in the throat because you’re a moron. Once again, I feel I need to state that keep in mind, I have nothing against people who smoke marijuana. I myself just grew out of it a long time ago, but I’m sure it’s a great stress-reliever for many people after a long day, it can help some people with serious anxiety issues and sleep problems, and it does have some serious medical benefits to those who need it. But honestly, if you’re a wake-and-baker over the age of 25, and you still have a tye-dyed Phish sticker on your car, or rocking some hemp necklace with a 2-inch diameter bead inscribed with a pot leaf, you might as well be coming at me looking like this girl, and I want to rip her belly open and strangle her with her own intestines.
Now go get drunk like a normal person.