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Okay then, that ought to keep us out of any possibility of legal recourse, however infinitesimal the possibility may be. So my little greaslings, check this shit out:

They're really pimping this out on their website. I mean seriously.

First, let me begin by saying that I have nothing against Denny’s restaurants, in fact I enjoy them. I’ve spent many an early morning and late evening sitting in one, drinking coffee, nomming the shit out of some buffalo chicken tenders, and shooting the shit with friends of various walks of life. Denny’s is a great place to hang out for the younger generations, and for what it is, they’ve got some pretty decent eats. (Especially their pancakes and the previously mentioned buffalo chicken tenders.) However, Denny’s has recently launched a marketing campaign that’s got me heated. They’re calling it “Baconalia.” This is only one of its many irksome attributes; a not-so-clever play on words of “Bacchanalia” a word of 17th century Latin origin meaning a feast in honor of Bacchus, the Roman god of wine, and a word synonymous with booze-fueled drunken orgy. Given its implications, not really so appropriate for a family restaurant… but then they’re probably banking on the fact that America is too fucking stupid to know any of its relative information. What saddens me is that for the most part they’re probably right.

No, your eyes do not deceive you... that is bacon on an ice cream sundae.

I’ll give them this one credit, it’s at least ever so slightly creative. But the fact that they actually mention in print that Bacchanalia was the offspring of their Baconalia is both kind of disturbing and insulting. Disturbing because of what a bacchanalian feast is (need I remind, drunken orgy,) and insulting, at least to me, because it totally shits on a very significant piece of Roman history. Maybe I only care because I took two years of Latin in high school, I don’t know, but it pisses me off. Now, aside from the maple bacon sundae, the menu items are less creative than their marketing campaign would lead you to believe. They include:

• BBBLT – just what it sounds like, a BLT with triple the bacon.
• Triple Bacon Sampler – sounds awesome, but is actually a huge letdown in that it only contains two strips each of hickory smoked bacon, peppered bacon, and turkey bacon, which isn’t even real fucking bacon so it doesn’t even count.
• Ultimate Bacon Breakfast – just a regular same-shit-new-day breakfast with triple the amount of normal bacon you’d get. Whoopty-friggin-doo.
• Bacon Flapjacks – actually a pretty awesome idea, bacon chunks mixed in with the pancake batter so they come out bacony-delicious in every bite.
• Pepper Bacon & Eggs – another jerkoff ordinary breakfast that has, you guessed it, black pepper crusted bacon instead of the regular stuff.
• Bacon Meatloaf – I’m on the fence about this one, it’s meatloaf with chunks of bacon mixed in, then covered in hickory ketchup and more bacon.
• The Maple Bacon Sundae – a double-scoop vanilla ice cream sundae with maple syrup all up in it, and maple-flavored bacon sprinkled over every bit. This is something I would actually eat, and I don’t even like ice cream.

An actual shot of the Denny's Baconalia menu, taken by undercover operative R.X.

So those are the menu additions which supposedly warrant this bullshit “Baconalia” celebration at your local Denny’s. A couple of decent ones maybe, but the rest are absolute and total bullshit. I mean come on, how dare you invoke the most holy name of bacon so righteously and then proceed to proffer this meager, pathetic little sampling of barely altered ordinary dishes. Now that I’ve given you all this information to chew on, I will get to perhaps the most disturbing, and by far the most rage-enducing part of this whole bacon charade:

THE EPIC MEAL TIME BACON RIPOFF

If you know me, you know I love bacon. And my idols in the realm of bacon creations are the fine fellows from Epic Meal Time, an incredible cooking show published every Tuesday on their YouTube channel which you can easily find by just searching the term “Epic Meal Time.” I’m a subscriber, and if you love bacon, meat, booze, and ridiculously amazing and delicious food creations, you should be too. But there’s one thing these guys know, and I mean fucking know, and that’s their bacon. In October of last year, LONG before this “Baconalia” bullshit, these fine gentlemen, led by none other than stupendously gnarly-bearded, drunken-gazed Harley Morenstein, started their truly epic crusade to bring bacon back in a big way. That’s right, a Jew is all up in bacon like it’s his job.

If there’s anything this wild-eyed, crazed Canadian knows, it’s his booze and his bacon. The guys from Epic Meal Time, Harley, Sterling, MusclesGlasses and the rest, even the girls have been wrapping every manner of felled beast in bacon, putting it inside another dead animal’s meaty carcass, covering that with bacon, slathering it with barbecue sauce, throwing in some cheez-whiz, putting it all inside a suckling pig and then wrapping that with even MORE candied bacon on top of that for roughly six months now. They’ve been featured on countless websites, are becoming rabidly famous all over the web, even internationally, and recently they even did a spot on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno during which Harley and his friend Sterling made inside-out shepherd’s pie using nothing but raw ingredients and their bare hands. Not only that, but they made it into the shape of a fucking car. Now that is truly epic. If there’s only one Epic Meal Time video you ever watch, please watch this one, it truly encompasses what the show and the Epic Meal Time attitude is all about:

So, the point of all this you ask? DENNY’S HAS BLATANTLY RIPPED OFF EPIC MEAL TIME AND IS TRYING TO STEAL THEIR POPULARITY. And what a sad attempt at that, their menu items are to be laughed at. A giant corporation of restaurant chains all across the nation is stealing ideas from a web-based, YouTube-powered cooking show that grew to fame all by itself by the power of booze, bacon and pure ingenuity. Denny’s should be ashamed. Shame on you, Denny’s! Shame! So go forth, my bacon-loving brethren, go forth and support Epic Meal Time by subscribing to their YouTube channel, buy one of their awesome shirts! Boycott Denny’s until this farce of a “Baconalia” is gone and over with, or if you choose to eat their bacony concoctions, do so in shame! Shame I tell you!

Seriously though, check out Epic Meal Time. It’s awesome, it’s creative, it’s entertaining, and incredible what these people do with meat. Find Harley Morenstein’s page on Facebook and “like” it or subscribe or follow him on Twitter or whatever. You won’t regret it, I promise you. And if you do, I’ll personally buy you a pound of bacon myself.

I will admit though the next time I make pancakes, I might just throw some bacon in ‘em.

Need any more reason to love Bacon? I didn't think so.

[r.b.]